Becoming a parent makes you a superstar. We all know it. I sorta thought that I had skills before I became a parent. But now — holy crap — do I ever have skills.
1/ Singing — This is the most obvious. Before having kids I hadn’t really sung in ages. And now — Carly Rae Jepson — look out. I’m pretty sure that my car-singing-to-ward-off-crying version of Call Me Maybe is practically all-star! More seriously — I had forgotten how much fun it is to sing. It feels great to sing. And with a little practice — I got a lot better. And less embarrassed about it. It’s so much easier to sing in front of people now that I sing all the time at home. And you know what? Singing can almost always get you out of tricky situations at home. I bet that’s why kindergarden teachers sing so much. It works.
2/ Finding things — It’s like I’m the Oracle at Delphi. I know all the answers. Where is your bunny? Under the couch. Where is a soother? Under the bed. Where are your (super small but very cute) soccer cleats? In the pile in the hallway. Where is your green t-shirt? In the enormous pile of unfolded laundry on the floor in the laundry room — where else?
3/ Comedy — I’m funny. And the kids know it. They’re dying for the one-woman stand-up show that is their mother. It takes a lotta energy … but I can make them laugh like no other. Faces, tripping jokes, tickles.
4/ Forward thinking — before you have kids … it’s feasible for one or two things to go wrong in a day. Once you have kids — 10 things can go wrong in 10 minutes. You go to a doctor’s appointment. Kid falls asleep in the car and you have to wake them up. Grouchy child results. But the only time that the doctor can see you is over nap time — so you take what you can get. You don’t bring a snack — they’re hungry and start to get pissy. Then they have a diaper blowout — you forgot to bring a diaper. The doctor’s office has a diaper — but it’s 2 sizes too small. Fine. You’ll make do. Then you find out that the doctor is late. Great. You only brought one toy to play with … and it’s last week’s toy. So it’s no longer interesting. Then your kid finds the stack of reading material on the waiting room table and thinks it’s funny to throw it on the floor. Twelve times in a row. So it’s either let them do that — or prevent them from doing it …. and them having a breakdown in the waiting room (remember — they’re missing nap for this delightful situation). You get to see the doctor. But your kid is tired, hungry and in a too-small diaper. So they scream through the entire visit … and the doctor can’t really evaluate them. So it’s practically irrelevant. Then you go back to your car … and you have a parking ticket. That’s how parenthood sometimes goes.
But now you’re wiser. You never leave the house without:
-A hot wheels car in the bottom of your purse
-Your phone (kids should never play on your phone …. yeah right)
-A change of pants in the car
5/ Making a meal out of 4 grapes, a can of tuna and a pickle — Feeding kids is hard. Really hard. Mostly because you have to do it many times a day. And then they don’t even eat it. So it’s hard AND thankless. But you do get pretty good at McGyvering meals out of nothing. You have to. Kids need food whether you just grocery shopped …. or whether you didn’t manage to grocery shop on the weekend and this week you’re living on bread crumbs and ketchup.
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