Ways that current “parenting wisdom” screws new parents ..
(Disclaimer — I made this all up. It’s not advice — it’s joke.)
1/ Nothing besides the baby in the crib. Because everyone naturally likes to sleep in the middle of an empty field. When baby flails their arms out — they love to have them hit empty space. Makes them feel safe and secure.
2/ Don’t let them fall asleep at the boob. As if this is even possible.
3/ Don’t use a soother. Babies love to suck. No soothers means mucho crying. Better to listen to a lot of crying.
4/ Nothing near their face when they are sleeping. Babies love things touching their faces. Like boobs. It’s comforting.
5/ Start in the bassinette – then move to the crib. Babies love changes to their environment in their first weeks in a new world.
6/ Let them get used to loud noise. This one is ridiculous. The “wisdom” is — if you keep the house relatively noisy — they’ll be used to ambient noise and be better sleepers. As a mature and former-professional sleeper — you know what loud noise does to my sleeping self? — it wakes me the heck up.
Thanks world of parenting “wisdom” for making up these dumb rules to sabotage our first steps into parenthood.
(Disclaimer – these are jokes)